As i approach my 21st Bdae, i'm not really sure what to feel
There's alot of hype bout the 21st bdae and i've experienced them 1st hand
After celebrating for a few friends who were early this year

Well i guess it's obvious by now that i'm somehow not that excited
About my very own 21st bade
Hmm..well for one i'm not the type that really emphasises alot
On my own bdae
I know it means alot to many of my friends so i do put in effort
To some of those closer to me, to make it really special for them

However when it comes to my own bdae, usually it just washes
Out like any other day
Sometimes my close friends remember and remind me of it before
I snap out of my mundane life
Most of the time i tell my frenz to keep it simple

Which is exactly what i prefer it to be
Which is what should happen for this one
Not that diff from any other bdae

If you ask me which of my bdaes i remember the best
Somehow i have vivid memories of one in sec3/sec4
Where my classmates gave me an adult magazine and
A shared card signed by most of the class
It's in my traeasure box of heartfelt gifts now
testimony to the little differences
i've made in some people's lives i guess

This 21st bade is kinda special also because it falls on
Ash Wednesday, a Catholic occassion which is
Actually kinda sorrowful and mournful
I could go on to explain how it heralds Lent but yeah
Basically it means that I need to go to Church at night
And that i should generally be in a reflective, meditative
Mood, no outward celebration i guess

Ok lah but i kinda find it significant cos
Ash Wednesday also reminds one of his mortality,
Of the Lord's great sacrifice of life for us,
Where "Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes"
Will be uttered in Church.

Somehow i can draw the link that it is an occassion similar to a bdae

It kinda reminds one that as we live in triumph of death
Every step we take is also a walk towards eventual death
Mortality

Both ocassions also encourage reflection on what one has
Done in life. Where i believe it matters more to count the
Differences you've made in people's lives than anything else
In life. Even ambition may be construed to be self-serving

As i walk along in life
I hope i will be constantly reminded of my mortality
Know what really matters in life
Live it to the fullest
And have close friends read my eulogy to all those whose grand lives
Have somehow been brushed by mine

I've come to realise that sometimes
We dunt really know our frenz well

Off the cuff, we may be able to name
Up to ten good friends that we have
And talk to frequently and consult
Regarding life's never-ending queries

Yet when we size things down, perhaps
Only a few of them know intimately about
Your life, your previous love lives, your current
Your ambition, your dreams, your family background
Your innermost thoughts that few would appreciate
Or understand with respect to who you are

Perhaps only a few know why you say things
The way you say it
Why you regard people
the way you do
Why you regard money
the way you do
Why you regard love
the way you do
Why you regard family
the way you do
Why you regard religion
the way you do
Why you regard image
the way you do

Perhaps only a few will respect and understand
You for being who you are

The same goes for our friends i guess
When we claim them to be our true frenz, gd frenz, best frenz,
How much do we actually know about them?
Some of our friends just get relegated to being old friends, past acquaintances
Once our social circles diverge, we dunt really seem to know much about them anymore

The little info that we garner about old frenz,
Through proxy frenz, through blogs, through brief MSN chats, thru mass smses
Would not suffice to paint a picture of our frenz life adequately

Many things in life may hold us back from approaching
Such frenz for dinner or a catch-up session

I only hope that i do not lose sight of those friendships i
Truly treasure and truly want to retain and develop

As i approach my 21st birthdae, may i be able to
Consolidate some of my life's expereiences
And have in my heart a firm web of friendships
That i know will help me thru life
And make me a stronger person

Recently i've been blogging alot

I'm not sure what it means,
Whether i'm too free, have more time to reflect, or probably plainly because i have too much angst now

One thing i know for sure is that my last leg of NSF life has really been screwed up

Nowadays in office, i truly feel that i'm wasting away my youth inside
That i'm not really contributing much
That i'm not being enriched by this NS experience

Maybe i shldnt expect too much
This is an Army life anyway, not school or work attachment
Oh yes its like an attachment in the sense that i pull long hours, am enslaved and underpaid,
And most of all i dutn really have much of a choice

Previously i would feel self-disppointment if i cldnt execute a task well
Nowadays i put in ZERO personal effort as a final scorn to something i believe in anymore
Also because i know personal effort isnt appreciated here
Only minor mistakes are magnified

I've tried to learn the way of Zen
But its either that im a bad student
Or that my job scope and exposure just doesnt allow that

Nevertheless, i choose to heck care
Call me names, Judge me like a Pharisee, say wateva u want
I've made my peace with Him

I believe i've done more than my fair share for this enterprise
And when personal queries out of concern are snubbed and rebuked
I know it's not worth it anymore

I have a dream –Sung to the tune of ABBA’s “I have a Dream”


I have a dream, to ORD
To help me cope, with NDP
If you see the wonder, of a fairytale
You can take the future, even if you fail
I believe in Civi
Something good in everything I see
I believe in Civi
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll ORD-I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through, this NDP
And my destination, makes it worth the while
Pushing through the papers, still another pile
I believe in danger
Something screwed in everything I see
I’ll ORD-I have a dream
I’ll ORD-I have a dream

The shitty work, fluctuating workload and vacillating higher HQ

Its been more than 2 months since i returned from my Thailand trip last Dec-Jan
Got so caught up in shitty office work that i couldnt really find time to really reflect
Got arrowed to cover someone else's work
Though i love to work with my current immediate superior
Honestly the nature of the work sux and its a hectic life where weekends aren't spared
No wonder its a real family-breaker. Nope i balanced things off so my personal life's fine

The shitty work, fluctuating workload and vacillating higher HQ
Just makes every day in the office dreadful

Just makes me want to get out of the office everyday i get in
Just makes me want to keep pretending i'm talkign on the phone so nobody bugs me
Just makes me wanna look busy so i dunt have to multi-task and accomplish many many random jobs, which are a legacy of the many previous tasks i pioneered in other departments
The random jobs suck as they drag me through my workday, just like a pesky attachment to a previous relatsp

Sometimes i just dunt want to be so good at multi-tasking
Sometimes i just dunt want to pick up 90% of the phone calls
Sometimes i just dunt want to clear up others' mess
Sometimes i just dunt want to be so well versed in Army staff SOP
Sometimes i just dunt want to exploit my friendships to accomplish work objectives
Sometimes i just dunt want to explain my differences from my peers

Sometimes i wanna be able to respect some of my Officers
Sometimes i wanna stop throwing smokescreens and lying my way through
Sometimes i wanna stop speaking up for my superiors
Sometimes i wanna shut some colleagues up
Sometimes i wanna tell my superior to wake up his idea
Sometimes i wanna stop subsidising my superiors' monetary excesses
Soemtimes i wanna tell my superior to stop being a leach
Sometimes i wanna tell my superior to stop being a bitch
Sometimes i wanna internal meeting to start on time
Sometimes i wanna tell my superior to stop wasting my youth
Sometimes i wanna tell my superior to stop procrastinating
Sometimes i wanna tell my superior to stop blaspheming
Sometimes i just wanna be a normal soldier
Sometimes i just wanna be left alone, at peace

Such egotistic, self-righteous, self-made tyrants

One thing i can't stand in the Army
Is when your superiors take you for granted

Short of a word of thanks
Or appreciation for past efforts

They always seem to fall victim to being
Blind to all personal efforts
But conscious of every little mistake you make

Such are some superiors in the Army
Base creatures they are
Thinking they actually have the
Right to take people for granted
Just because of the insignia on their shoulders or sleeves

Such egotistic, self-righteous, self-made tyrants
Endorsed by the Coat Of Arms

Its a crying shame i say
Nobody in the world is justified in taking
Another fellow human for granted I say

I await this grand hubris to unfold
These self-contained Dreamers to crumble
When without aides they shall fumble
All pretence at greatness shall fall down a tumble

For all who exalt themselves shall be humbled
And all who humble themselves shall be exalted

Imperfection may be accepted by the Lord Almighty
But for those who constantly sin against Humanity
I think they need to reflect aplenty

Perhaps it's about time things took a shift

I realise that at this point in time i am stepping out of alot of things in life
The visible ones may be that of an Army life, which is in itself a varied lifestyle

One may even see it as a sheltered form of life
Where you are removed from the pressure:

To find work, to earn your keep
To study, to fulfil your priority obligation as a student
To continue to be creative; cos you can just blame the routines of an Army life
To continue to speak well; cos you ain't never seen a sergeant who does,
or you just can't help cussing
To continue to write well; cos you fill in more forms then write constructively inside
To continue to air your views, debate; cos freedom of speech isn't really present
To be courteous; cos it's a dog-eat-dog world inside

So as i step out of this lifestlye, there are many adjustments i would have to make

An Army life, as bad as it might seem from your peers' accounts or personal experience,
Can in many ways actually be a sheltered way of life
Just think of the many excuses you've found urself using when
Friends remark that you've changed

An Army life has also allowed me to be almost totally financially dependent from my parents
That is something i still hold proud for myself
But perhaps that is just Leson 1.1 in my long journey toward personal/family financing
I'm not sure how it's gonna work out after i draw my last Army allowance,
But i do know that i can start earning my keep
And be very proud of it

As for the less visible and tangible things that i am stepping out of
I leave that to my close friends and future confidante(s) to find out

In a way, this is Liberation that many, including me
Cry out randomly every dreadful day at work
In a way this Liberation signals separation as history has always demonstrated

I can choose to Liberate myself and decry this former lifestyle as a total waste of time and taxpayer's money
But i feel that this NS experience has indeed done me alot of good personally

I dunt know when i will have the time and effort to pen down parts of my NS experience,
But i must say i have had quite a varied and rewarding experience so far
Experiences that will take me far in life i know

"Many little things to do"

Seems like a common comment you might hear from friends
yet sometimes we realise thats whats happening to our lives
At the end of the Day, Week, Month

Sometimes i wonder if it's qte meaningless if we live life chasing all the loose ends
But neglect the really impt things like friends, love, dreams and ambitions

Oftentimes, i find myself doing things for the sake of doing it
A routine is still worthy of execution, as long as you see the logic and rationale behind it,
Like peeing or eating.....

But sometimes work, in all forms of it, is so routine and meaningless
That you just dunt put heart into it
You just do it, subconsciously, like breathing

Ok this may begin to sound like an amatuer try at existentialism
Im just trying to take a few steps back in life
To see whats really worth doing, stopping
Or putting my heart and soul in

Perhaps it is just as well
Much have i experienced in the past 3 months
But honestly i havent had the time to relax and reflect
Internalise some lessons, forge some resolve

Im sure that introspective approach would be much more useful
Than New year's resolutions made on the spur

I pray to God for strength that i may live each day anew
And that i may be given strength and vision
To differentiate the really impt things in life from pesky trivial stuff
That keeps trying to block/slow my way
And for the courage to focus effort on the more impt things
Despite censure, 'worldly' advice

For things in my power to change
I will try my best to carve things out to the best i deem fit
As for the rest beyond me
God Will make a Way...